Thursday, May 28, 2009

A few spares would be nice

On one of the that I’ve recently started reading, the author posted a link to a heart factory.

A little factory that makes hearts.

Something about the creator’s description, “If you are lacking a heart or tired of your heart being broken it would be wise to invest in your own tiny heart factory”, just. Well.

I’m certainly not lacking a heart, but somehow, in the past 27 years, I haven’t figured out how to protect mine enough. Yes, of course, you can’t entirely protect yourself – but when you build the big stone walls, with towers on four sides and archers stationed along the parapets, and then the deep moat with spikes at the bottom and man-eating sharks swimming around, and you even remembered to put a guard on the secret entrance because you’ve read too many books to be unaware that that’s the way they always get in… You at least expect something.

So a heart factory. I think I could use one of those, these days.

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A guide to profile pictures for online dating websites

Dear gentlemen and rakes,

There are a few things you should probably keep in mind when selecting a photo. Ideally, you’d want one that actually looks like you do (that’s now, not ten years ago when you were two stone lighter), you’re smiling, and your friends have said that you look nice in.

However, any of the following, including horrific combinations of the following, are more likely to have me wince and look away than click on your profile:
  • If you look like a serial killer. Really, you have to have at least one friend that can tell you why this is a bad idea.
  • If you are nothing more than a vague pixelated blur and appear to have no discernible features.
  • If you are an out-of-focus bright spot on an otherwise completely dark background. I’m sure it’s very artistic, but you might want to forgo that this time.
  • If you are holding a random small child/baby, but indicate absolutely no where in your profile who the child belongs to. This is strangely important to most women.
  • If you are, in any way, appearing to kiss any sort of animal. If I do think you’re cute, and there is a possibility that we may, in the future, lock lips in a meaningful way, I would prefer that I know that your lips have also kissed a snail/small dog/iguana when that happens.
  • If you are so clearly off your face that it makes me surprised that my computer hasn’t started to emit alcohol fumes or spontaneously playing hard house
  • If you are wearing something stupid on your head. This is including, but not limited to: that hat you got on holiday in Oz with the little corks hanging off string along the brim, anything that looks like it should be worn by the bride on a hen do, pint/shot glasses, small stuffed animals, or, honestly, any sort of hat. Unless several people have confirmed that yes, you look good in the hat, not like an idiot.

As an extra bonus, I’ll also point out that when, on one side of the picture, you can clearly see a woman’s breasts and you’re making an idiotic expression (usually involving something obscene with your tongue)? Yeah, that’s a no too.

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