Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Things that always seem to come back and bite you in the ass

There are two people in this world that have the ability to turn me into a paranoid, quivering wreck regardless of my current circumstances, mood, or frame of mind. Running into them screws me up for quite some time, and hearing from them instantly makes me wonder what they want. Not because they necessarily want anything, but because both of them seriously screw with my head. And I seriously doubt they know that they do this.

One of them is the first man I ever really loved. I haven't heard from him in about 5 years. I hope he's doing well, but since the last time I saw him I burst into tears after he was gone I don't really want to see him again.

The second is a little trickier. He still talks to and knows people that I talk to and know. I still have him on my IM simply because if I took him off, and then he talked to me, it would be entirely too much of a surprise. But every time I talk to him I'm back in his room after my really shit day, staring blankly at his digital clock, and hearing him say 'I don't think we should do this any more' as my heart breaks and he doesn't even look up from his computer screen. I can remember the whole stupid conversation, I can even remember what time his clock said. He broke me for quite some time, and I didn't realize that he had until much much later.

Part of me thinks that if I could see both of them again, just spend an hour or so with each of them, that their ability to screw with me would go away. After all, I'm not who I was when they knew me and I seriously doubt that they are who they are when I knew them. The thing that kills me though is that I don't know if I want them to change from what I knew. Both of them came along in parts of my life that burned so much brighter, and I don't think that I want to chance the spark dimming. So maybe I'll just try to start enjoying the occasional head-fuck, and start thinking about it as something that keeps me young.

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