He's slowly killing giraffes in his sleep

Living with a boyfriend for long periods exposes you to all sorts of things you never would have thought of when you were giggling after the lights were out with your best friend when you were 12 and just realizing that wow, boys were kind of...interesting. Like the finer points of nostril hair, and having to explain why a grown man refuses to eat mushrooms.

One of the most perplexing things, however, is when he comes down with a cold. Women just sort of sniffle and move on, but men are DYING, oh god, what did they do to deserve this cruel fate? Matt currently has a sore throat and a runny nose, and the World is Ending, right now, as we speak. He lethargically flops around the flat, sniffling morosely, unable to do anything more complex than lie there and look pitiful.

At night, however...

I'm not a sound sleeper, really. If I'm really tired I'll sort of keel over and you won't be able to wake me, but usually noises will wake me up. Unlessl they're in a predictible pattern that my brain can get used to. However, when Matt's ill, he snores. Not nicely, like people do on TV in a cute little soft way, but like he is slowly torturing safari animals to death with his teeth and by God they just will not die. These noises come from him completely randomly. They don't seem to be linked to breathing out or in, whether he's on his back or front or side, no pattern to them at all. So all last night, while trying to sleep, every couple of minutes my eyes would fly open in terror that a small cute monkey had just exploded next to me.

The best bit in all this? After I dragged myself blinking groggily out of bed this morning, he rolled over and didn't make a sound until I left for work.