Wednesday, January 23, 2008

First week back at work

Things would would have been exceptionally helpful for you to do in my absence:

1. Any of the things you actually said you were going to do. The definition of 'doing' them includes any of the following: accomplishing a task, setting it up for me to do when I got back, delegating it to someone else to do if you could not, or making any visible effort whatsoever to accomplish a task. It does not include: leaving several unlabeled piles of similar things on my desk and then expecting me to know exactly what's happening with all of them, hiding more work in odd and random places so that I stumble across it while looking for the pens you stole from my desk, and deciding that, for the three days after I get back, to bombard me with emails asking if I know what is happening with (insert something here). I do not. You are supposed to.

2. Not attempt to barricade my desk in with boxes of delivered magazines. I know that I archive them, and you have no idea of the system. This is why I told you you were not allowed to go into that room. This does not mean that you should place them around my desk in such a way that I can now repel the invading Mongul hordes from my computer.

3. Follow any of the instructions, in any way, I carefully walked you through before I left. Yes, I did give you those for a reason. No, the reason was not for you to write your grocery list on (which you have done). Perhaps if you'd followed the instructions, much of the screamy phone calls you received would not have occurred.

4. Along similar lines of number three, that detailed colour-coded chart? That's used so that nothing gets missed on deadline day. Yes, you probably should have followed it. No, I'm not fixing it for you.

5. Not piss anyone off, so that they complain to me for days. I know this is not your best area, but it would have been helpful not to insult them.

Next time, I'll install some sort of machine that zaps you when you're being an idiot. I know that I'd arrive back, and you'd have no hair, but this is not my problem.

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