Monday, July 21, 2008

Growing up

I remember being about 14 or so, and thinking that being a grown-up would be great; you get to do whatever you like, whenever you like, and you know what's going on and have everything figured out.

I've been wrong about many things, in my brief time here on this planet, but I think that was probably the most wrong I've ever been about anything, ever.

I doubt that I'll ever be able to do whatever I like whenever I'd like to do it, and I'm certain that the likelihood of me knowing what's going on and having everything all figured out is about the same as little green men showing up on Mars with signs that say 'Hi! What took you so long?'. And if that's the case, how can I be 'grown up'?

Right now, I think it happens in stages. I think that at certain points in your life, something happens and it changes the way you think about yourself, or the world around you. It's something so profound, a very change in the fabric of your reality and you think that the world should just stop to take a breath, in and out, before it settles with a jarring thud back into place. A little different than it was before. A little more tarnished, and little more resigned to the fact that things aren't the way you really, honestly, believed they were. Or should have been.

At the heart of it all, I think that what we call growing up is about sadness. Accepting that something will never be, or that you can't do something, or change an event - and then learning to live with that. It's almost never easy, and for many people it takes years and years and years of fighting against the truth that they desperately want to avoid. But we all grow up. And I don't think that we ever stop growing.

So that's the reason for the long silence. I've been growing up. Being forced to shift my reality slightly, and dealing with the metallic shriek that it it scraping out of its previous position. I'm sure that eventually, I'll get used to the new reality. At the moment though, the sharp edges are digging into me a bit too hard.

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2 Comments:

Blogger xmalx said...

Not a happy post, Big hugs. True we can't do everything we want to or all be rich famous and good looking (though I am refuring to me here, with the looks, not you as you always look fab). What for me is the best way to look at life, is the kind of person you are and I think the 14 year old you would look at you and be impressed. You are a lovely, kind, intelligent and artistic person, open to ideas and able to still challenge society with your ideas. Something that most people have never done or even come close to.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Auglaise said...

xmalx: Thanks very much you! Many hugs. ^_^

9:40 PM  

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